Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I awoke to the sound of the television several hours later. I opened my eyes and met face to face with the tan hue of the leather sofa I was lying on. I felt weak. I felt like a train running at a thousand miles a hour had hit me and left me for dead. I could feel parts of me aching and other parts of me that were crying out for attention. That young man was still in my mind and I wondered if he was still walking the streets alone. I managed to sit up and I held my head in my hands as my bare feet made contact with the cold floor. I stood up and walked over to the window to see that it was still dark outside. I looked over to the clock and saw the incorrect time flashing repeatedly and wondered if the building had suffered a power outage. I reached for my cell phone and saw that no one had tried to contact me.

I knew that I had to go back to sleep. My body was crying out for it. As much as I wanted to leave the real world again, I was afraid that if I did, that I would be out for days and I wasn't sure if I was ready to disappear off the face of the planet. I looked down at the street below and watched cars and people bustle about. The cirrus clouds were hovering past the full moon and I wondered if it had rained since I'd fallen asleep. The city lights look amazing at this time of night. I stared at them until I saw a city bus stop at the end of the street. I thought about him again and wondered if he'd found what he was looking for. I hate when I'm feeling like this. I wondered if S would be able to pick me up if I called him just so I could roam the suburbs again in hopes of finding him. I knew that was impossible but just the idea was enough to have me grab my phone to see if I could get a hold of my driver. My heart was racing. I tossed the phone aside when the voice mail on the other side picked up and I sat back down on the sofa, telling myself that I needed to go back to sleep. I needed to close my eyes. I needed to lie back and allow myself to be consumed by rest. There was something inside my mind that I needed to be free of. I need to just lie down and shut my eyes. Just for a while.

I had to go back to the house. Nobody knows what I'm feeling and there are certain things that I have to deal with right now. I have to free myself of this torture of thinking of you constantly. I don't know where you are. I don't know if you even think of me. But all I know is that I have to do this so I can finally lay everything to rest. I hate going through this alone. I hate the fact that I can't talk to anyone about this and that I will have to do what I need to do. I took the 1:35 am bus from 72nd street and walked from Amway all the way back to the house. I don't know what came over me but but by the time I knew it, there I was again under the trees and standing in front of the door. I can't take this anymore. If I could have anything at this exact moment, it would be to have you here so you can see what I have been reduced to. I'm standing here, bundled up, my hood covering my head from the pouring rain.

I could see him standing there. Alone.

I could hear the dogs barking from the neighbors two houses over. I always hated them. I snuck into the house and closed the door behind me. The darkness gave way to some of the lights coming from the outside so I could still see where I was going. I was cold, my body was shivering and I couldn't stop it. I walked toward the back of the house hoping that my footsteps wouldn't be heard by anyone. I had to keep this a secret. There was something I just had to do and I know that if anyone were to find out I were here, things would be worse. I took the hood off of my head and took in the scent of the house as I made my way to the top floor. The stairs creaked with every step and the light from the lamp post outside was able to light my way. I could still hear your voice echoing across the halls. I could still see you. It was as if you were haunting this place, knowing that I was going to come back and you were going to find me here searching for you. Well, here I am.

I walked into the bathroom next to the bedroom and took my jacket off and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I have never told you how much I hate looking at myself. My reflection is staring back at me and I could see the disappointment in my own eyes. There was so much I wasn't able to tell you, so many things that I kept inside of me. You don't know so many things that I had to keep from you and as sorry as I am about that, there is nothing that I can do now but move ahead. And that's why I am here. So I can finally move on with my life. So I can finally show the world that I'm able to finally walk away from this. I wish you could know what you've done to me. I wish you could comprehend the reason why I'm looking at this worn face looking back at me.

I saw him reach for his front pocket as tears began to fall from his face. I felt him grab hold of something and bring it out, setting it onto the sink in front of him. He began to sob softly as he looked at his reflection again. The tears came faster and he sat down on the floor, leaning against the bathtub. I could hear him sobbing out into the darkness. I could feel his heart being ripped to shreds slowly and I could actually see him falling apart. Something wasn't right. There was something more going on than I perceived at first. I stood up and grabbed my jacket and dashed out the front door. I ran for the elevator and ran out the front lobby door and out into the street. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know where he was and I didn't know where the first place would be to look. I knew that the buses were no longer running, and even if I was able to find a taxi at this hour, I knew that I wouldn't be able to tell the driver where to go.

I ran as fast as I could toward the opposite side of town. My feet were splashing in puddles left behind by the rain and I could feel sweat running off my brow. Cars were honking at me as I crossed street after street. Before I knew it, I was seventeen blocks away from my apartment. I am standing in the doorway of Pius Foods, barefoot and cold. People are passing me and asking me if I needed help. I am breathing heavily. My head is going to explode from the pain. I needed to get to him. That's all I could think about. I could feel my body shivering from how cold I was and knew that if I didn't either get to him or get back to the apartment, something bad was going to happen. I am scared. I don't know what to do at this point. At that moment, an eerie sense of helplessness came over me and I sat down under the store sign.

I wish that you would change your mind and come back. I need you to rescue me from what I'm about to do, to rescue me from what you've caused.

I could see him sitting there weeping. I could see him holding himself, sobbing out into the lonely darkness. He was alone, hands tied. And then, as I sat there under the neon sign, I watched as he reached up and grabbed what he'd placed on the sink counter and brought it down to where he was sitting. Trembling, he revealed a razor blade that reflected the moon from outside onto his face. I stood up and began to run with all I could toward the opposite side of town. I could hear myself screaming out into the night, hoping that someone would hear me. I saw him open the blade and rest it on the carpet next to him. I ran faster and faster, freezing pavement beneath my feet and having no clue as to where I was going. He removed his shirt and placed in next to him. I ran faster. He unbuckled his belt and slid his pants off his legs. I ran even faster. He sat there in that bathroom, naked and crying. He picked up the razor blade and held it in his hand as I ran past the park on the north side of the city. I was so far away from my apartment now, and even further away from him.

I don't know who will find me or when. But know that I will always love you.

He held the blade tight in his hand and took a deep breath. I continued to run, screaming out to him in a panic, frantically pleading to someone that wasn't there. People were staring at me but I didn't care. I crossed in front of the intersection of DeWitt and 58th and immediately came to a frightening stop. In front of me was a police car flashing it's lights at me and a crowd of bystanders all looking in my direction. I was drenched in sweat, my pants were soaking wet. My head was pounding and my heart was beating at a million miles a second. Something just wasn't right and at that instant, I heard his voice once again.

Know that I always loved you.

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